Where does the time go? I've been meaning to update this, and, of course, haven't. It's been a good five days, so I'm not sure why I've avoided writing here.

A recap: Friday - went to the gym in the morning for my elliptical workout. Felt good, pushed myself hard and had a great workout. That evening, instead of going out to the bar with my colleagues I went home to do my scheduled toning/yoga/cardio hour of exercise. And it felt fantastic. I've never chosen working out over a night at the bar, but I'm so glad I did. I needed to destress after the week I had last week.

Saturday I slept in so I missed my WW meeting. So I don't have an official weigh in for last week, but according to my home scales I'm down 50lbs even. wahoo. but I'll wait for the official word as I know my scales at home are notoriously innacurate (although, usually on the more heavy side than the less heavy...) I felt a little bad about missing the meeting, but I know I'll survive :) I also did the 3 mile WATP video in the afternoon. Finally - weekend exercise!

Sunday I did a quick 20 minute 1 mile WATP video before rushing out to accomplish all the shopping/cleaning we had to do to get ready to have Mike's parents over. But we got everything done in time, and I even got to sneak in a bubble bath. I'm loving bubble baths of late...

Monday, I did the elliptical in the morning (over 4800 steps! highest number yet in 33 minutes) and it felt, as always, faboo! Then monday night I did 20mins WW cardio dance video and the 20 mins upper body Kathy Smith Weights video. I really don't like her, but the WW toning video is too easy. And I need my arms looking good by August.

Today I woke up late again so I'm doing the 3 mile WATP video and the Yoga for Abs video tonight when I get home. Mike's at the theatre so I have the house to myself. I also have a bubble bath planned. Candles and music and all. mmmmmmm, decadance. :)

Today I managed to drag my butt out of bed and do the WATP Walk and Jog DVD with a fair bit of energy and some requisite enthusiasm. It wasn't horrible, by far. And it was much better than Tuesday morning when I attempted and failed to complete a 20 minute WW workout. (potential TMI alert: I was having the kind of cramps that radiate down into your upper thighs turning them into jello. So it made working out very difficult. And I'd been having cramps for days by that point. In fact, I'm still having cramps. And I'm beginning to think the pain 'down there' isn't so much cramps as something kidney related, or something else. eeep. Because this is day 5 of crampwatch. And the period is pretty much finished... There shouldn't be pain if the bleeding has stopped. And pain makes me cranky. God help me if ever I have real serious chronic pain. They might as well put me out to pasture...)

Anyway, Wednesday I was still feeling crappy and couldn't face the commute into work, so I decided to work from home (I need to do that more often - sleeping in AND time to do a post-work workout. This coming into the office to work is pretty much unnecessary...) I stayed in my pjs all day but still managed to do the 2-Mile WATP and the WW toning/strength video in the evening. In between running up to the kitchen to make/check on dinner. Fun! But it felt faboo.

So this exercise thing? It's pretty much engrained now. Which is great - where I want it to be. Now I just need to focus on the chocolate consumption. Because it's high. And really much higher than it should be...Much higher than is probably healthy considering my tendancies towards insulin resistance... And even though I know what it does to me, why it's bad for me, all of that, I still eat it... I love it, I don't want to deny myself chocolate and sugar indefinately, but I need to find a happy medium. And if I can't, then I have to consider that I may not be able to eat chocolate much anymore...

Yeah, like that's gonna happen...

Friday I did a different setting on the eliptical - but it didn't feel as hard or as good as the usual weightloss setting.

I didn't manage to do anything athletic really on the weekend, so today I added the evening workout to my day. I did the 33min weight loss course on the eliptical at the gym this morning and then tonight I did the 1 mile WATP, the WW strength training video and the Abs in 10. It was good - it helped my headache and my cramps.

So, my exercise is going well, but my eating? not so much... Lots of chocolate... I know part of it is the time of year - I'm self-medicating somewhat to get past the grey, winter blahs. chocolate makes me happy, hence I eat them. But at the same time I know that really, the chocolate isn't helping anything. it's only a temporary happiness. I don't understand why I have so much trouble breaking the chocolate habit...

I did another evening workout yesterday on top of the 33 mins on the eliptical at the gym yesterday morning. I got home tired, cranky and feeling gross (as there was, yet again, chocolate at the office. Why can't I resist chocolate?) but forced myself into my workout wear and trudged downstairs to the basement to do the Cardio dance video, the strength training video and the abs in 10 video. Three videos - 50+ minutes of exercise. I felt friggin' fantastic when it was all done :) I'm soooo adding exercise when I get home from stressful/bad eating days at work. It made the evening that much better. Seriously. The only negative is that it was 8 p.m. by the time I was done. Mike wasn't home last night, so I didn't have him waiting to watch tv or eat because I was working out, but on nights when he's home, this might be harder to do. We'll see...

I'm still struggling this week. Not so much with the getting to the gym and the getting up to work out aspects, but with the whole wanting to go to work, wanting to eat healthfully, wanting to fully engage with life. I'm feeling fat, bloated, tired, cranky, whiny, pitiful, etc. I'm totally self-absorbed at the moment...typical for when the downswings in mood occur and the dragon rears it's head and it's a fight to keep going with the motions of the day...

And yet, it's not really that bad. Yeah, I have to fight the impulse to throw the covers over my head each morning and simply stay in bed, hidden from the world and my responsibilities, but I haven't done that. At least not yet. I am seriously considering a sick day or two soon, but for now, I make myself get up and go to the gym. And once I'm at the gym, there's not much sense turning around and going home.

And my workouts still feel fantastic, which is good. And it helps. And I've started using the sun lamp with regularity again, so hopefully that will help too...

And I had a faboo dinner with Nat tonight, which included a long chat and gluten-free organic cheesecake. yummy.

it was a good night...

last week was not a good week for either working out or eating. I skipped more workouts than I did and ate tonnes of sugar and wheat and other stuff I shouldn't be eating. I'm paying for it now with the bloat - I look about 10lbs heavier than I did last week. I'm trying to be back on track this week but I had trouble today because oh my god I could NOT get full. I was ravenous. I'm still hungry right now, as I type, but I'm trying to avoid eating. Because it's late and I'm going to bed as soon as I'm done typing this.

I know that this is not a linear process - that there will be days and weeks when it all seems futile, what's the point, I'll never be thin and pretty so why bother trying. And so weeks like last week are to be expected, and that I shouldn't take it as a sign that things really are as bleak as they seem and my efforts are futile. But when you're in the moment, it is so hard to hold on to that. So hard to realize that yes, this is a bad week, but next week will be better and don't give up.

But here I am, the start of a new week. And I won't give up. I can't. I've come too far to let myself fall back into old patterns. Old ways of being. I can't let myself get back to 302. Or 290, 280, 270, 260 - any of those weights I've said goodbye to. I love feeling fitter and healthier. Strong and happy. And for the most part I love to work out. Especially workouts like today, where everything is in sync - I'm working hard, breathing hard, the music's good, I'm keeping a good pace and I know that I'm working myself hard, but not too hard. Not so hard that it feels difficult, just a nice challenge.

I've also decided that instead of upping the cardio what I really need to add is strength training and yoga/pilates. I did a toning video tonight, tomorrow is yoga, and I'll alternate back and forth... I'll keep to doing cardio in the mornings, and then before dinner in the evenings I'll do the additional workouts. On nights when i'm not home, I'll not worry about the additional and if I can, I'll add something quick in the mornings. I need to have nice looking arms. If only for my vanity...

So, i'm feeling better than I was last week anyway. And I ahve a workout planned for the morning. Now I just need some sleep.

ugh. my shoulder hurts. It hurt a lot on Sunday so I skipped working out and then sunday night it hurt so much I couldn't sleep. So I didn't work out yesterday either. It's a bit better today, and I actually slept last night, so I decided to go to they gym this morning. And my elliptical workout? Was soooo hard! I have no idea if it's because of the detox, and so I'm not eating as much as usual, or what, but I had little energy, I couldn't move at nearly the same pace as I usually do, and by the end I was so happy it was done - as opposed to feeling like I could do more, like usual. Anyway, it's frustrating. I know there will be lower energy days and higher energy days, but I was really looking forward to the great feeling I get when I workout at the gym and while what i did experience was similar, it wasn't the same...