oh my have i neglected this blog...

it's been a bunch of highs and lows this month as far as exercise goes...I had a shift at work for the last few weeks making it difficult to workout in the mornings, which meant that I really didn't make it to the gym for the past two weeks. I tried to do other workouts, but it hasn't helped as I've gained three pounds. Although I lost four last week, so i'm still down one for the two weeks.

I'm looking forward to routine returning. And part of that routine will be to blog here regularly and keep an honest record of my successes or lack there of.

red red wine, go to my head...

"...they say whatever life throws at you, whatever emotions you feel, somebody somewhere has written a song about it..."

That's a line from tonight's movie. But in working on my as-yet-nameless, but totally fabulous lyrical challenge (which I hope you all will play, by the way...) I definately think that it's true. In love? you can chose from thousands of songs. Burned by love? Yep, thousands of songs with which to drown your sorrows. Felling happy - there are songs for that. Feeling blue? There are many more for you to choose from. In love with a boy who's in love with a girl? I think you can also find that...

I have no point to this, just that music really is the universal language...whatever you're feeling, whatever you want to say, whatever you don't even know you want to say, you can find a way to express it in music.

I'm on glass number two btw...

And I am a little bit of a lightweight when it comes to alcohol...

I'm just sayin'...

So, it's been a week since i last wrote in this - I need to do a better job of keeping this log because it is so helpful when times are tough and i'm wanting to give up to come here and see the progress. And if i'm not recording the progress, there's nothing here to help convince me that it is worth it, and things are moving in the right direction, even if it is slow and No you don't need that extra halloween candy and YES you do have to go to the gym this morning. So along with actually taking the ww stuff seriously (which is something i've been having trouble with, even though i've forked over plenty of money to them recently....), i'm also committing to writing in this far more often than i have.

Since last thursday's post:

went to ww last thursday and was down .5lbs from the last weigh in, which meant that i'd actually dropped 2.5 lbs since the saturday of trace's wedding, since i unofficially weighed in at the gym using the same scales they use at ww. so whoot. Also, and it didn't hit me until a few days later, i am now officially 40lbs lighter than my highest recorded weight. 40 freakin' pounds. that's so fucking amazing. Sure i have a long way still to go, but i'm 40 lbs lighter than I used to be. And those are 40 lbs i will NEVER EVER EVER SEE EVER EVER AGAIN. (do you hear me susan!?!?!) It also means i've lost 2lbs in the last month, which isn't a whole lot, but considering thanksgiving, halloween, fall chocolate consumption (as the days get shorter, my chocolate cravings get stronger...) and the fact that i really wasn't following ww at all, that's all movement in the right direction. And also, I've lost almost 30lbs in the last few months, and so my body needs to adjust. a plateau isn't a bad thing...and the scale is still in general moving downward. which is what we want...

skipped the friday workout - i forget why now...or did i? I don't remember. I don't think I worked out on friday, I know I didn't on saturday but I did clean the house. Then I had a halloween party but I used the snacks as my dinner and ate mostly veggies and protein based snacks, so I think I did okay. I don't feel like I pigged out anyway. Sunday both Mike and I felt awful - and it was a nasty day: the wind was howling, their was hail and rain and in general, it was just awful. So we stayed in our pjs and didn't leave the house. fantastic.

Monday did 33 mins on the elliptical, and tried one of the weight machines... Tuesday I skipped the workout because I wanted to be home early for the trick or treaters. Also, I had a highly elaborate costume and food for the lunchtime potluck (where I also rocked it and didn't eat anything with wheat, which meant no desserts. wahoo for me!!!) and needed the ride in. Yesterday did 33 mins on the elliptical.

Today I did 40 minutes on the eliptical using the crosstraining setting. I decided that since I'm not running anymore until I lose some more weight (my knees thank me for that decision - i've had no pain since switching to elliptical only) that I need to make sure I don't just fall into the weight loss setting mode and I need to push myself, so I increased my time today and after about 10 minutes I realized I wasn't peadaling as hard as I could and so pushed myself to 'run' at about 160 revs a minute vs the 140 or so I had been doing. I rocked that hard, and I'm so proud of myself. The goal is eventually to get to 1hour. We're getting there. I didn't feel utterly exhausted either, I felt like I could have kept going, but also at the 30 minute mark, there was the sense that "okay, I could stop now" so I know it's good that I'm mixing it up a bit - don't want the body to get too comfortable with just 30 minutes all the time. Or with the same setting all the time. Then I tried another weight machine. Since curves has pretty much dropped off my radar, I need to make sure I'm encorporating some strength training. I really should be going to curves a bare minimum of 2x a week, but I just don't seem to be making myself go. So I need to look at whether the weight room at the gym will work for me...

And, as a personal victory, and as a reminder that the number on the scale isn't the only thing that determines either my happiness or my acutal size: the fish net stockings that I bought last year at this time in toronto because I thought they might fit, and then couldn't get up past my knees...They fit. And they looked FABOO at halloween. So wahoo for me. And I bought them last year when I weighed only about 15 lbs more than I do now - not much more in the grand scheme of things. And certainly not so much more that just the weight loss alone explains why the fishnets fit. I am significantly smaller than I was. And i'm still shrinking!!!

Well, I'm feeling better, actually went to work today and I did a workout this morning which, considering I'm still not 100%, I was completely surprised I did. And I actually pushed myself to really workout and get my heart pumping as opposed to the half-hearted, keep my heartrate slightly elevated and call it a workout type workout I promised myself I could do, since I was still a little sick and all... I think I've become a regular exerciser. I woke up in Brantford last saturday morning itching for a workout, so I took the car and found a gym (freakin' expensive one too $15 just to workout - in BRANTFORD. How the hell do they stay in business?). Me. Working out on a non-scheduled workout day. Because I wanted to. Who am I and what have I done with Susan? Seriously -- that so would not have happened three months ago. I'm amazed. And a little proud of myself.

Anyway, then the miracles continued as I went to my weigh in and lost .5lbs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, half a pound, big freakin' deal - except last saturday I was up 2lbs and there was a wedding and I've been sick and I've been eating copious amounts of chocolate. So really, this loss should not be.
(x-posted to work in progress...

chocolate has invaded my life. i can't escape it. and so a sugar detox needs to happen. sooner rather than later it seems. oh how fun - i can invision days of headaches and cranky bitchiness. and with halloween around the corner this is not a good time, but it's also not a good time to give in to the sugar addiction either. so easy to indulge, since there is sugar EVERYWHERE right now. stupid halloween (not really. I LOVE halloween.) I wish i was better able to reduce the siren call of the sweet, sweet sugar...

workouts went well this week - I even got up on Saturday morning and drove around brantford looking for a gym so I could work out before the wedding. It was an awesome workout too - the gym is gorgeous and the equipment was fantastic and I worked myself hard. Yesterday I didn't do so well - my energy was so low. All I did was walk for 20 minutes at a pace of 3.5 miles and hour. but, as it turns out, i was getting sick so that would be why i had no energy. no workout today. no running or elliptical or much of anything. i'm home, on the couch, working from home with a mug of hot tea and a blanket. I love working from home :)

I'm up 2lbs. and i might be up more by thursday. i can't get this chocolate eating under control...

i am eating really yummy grapes right now. and to think I almost had chocolate instead of these really, really yummy grapes. If only all food that was good for me and low in points tasted this good. Would make chosing the grapes over the chocolate so much easier...

Had a good weekend, in terms of activity and social life and rest. I slept in both days, I stayed up late both nights (how quickly I return to my night owl ways), saw old friends I've not seen in ages, walked around parliament hill and played tourist with them which is something I've not done in ages, and mike and I played racketball on sunday thus having activity together. What a concept!

However, there were some pretty bad food choices (ie. the nachos at Zak's at 11 p.m. saturday night after two very yummy but sugary drinks at Milestones. Sure there was the walk around parliament hill, but that was not nearly enough activity to make up for the very large serving of nachos. With bacon. YUM, but oh so bad...). I have no idea what the scale will say on Thursday. If I even make it on thursday since this is the week of crazy busy from hell.

Anyway, Sunday morning Mike and I were both feeling bad about the overindulgence Sat. night so we went off to the gym for over an hour of racketball and then as he sat in the hottub, I did 20 mins on the elliptical, the bike and then this funky recumbant stepper machine - which is odd. I couldn't decide on what machine to use so I went from one to the next until ultimately ending with the stepper. I figure it all works out in the end and I did do about 1.5 hours of exercise on Sunday which rocks. We made pretty good food choices for the rest of sunday and so I did feel much like I was back on track.

Yesterday I did my elliptical workout - 33 minutes on the 'weight-loss' setting. It felt so good. I'm starting to understand the addictive qualities of the workout. You wake up feeling crappy and like the world sucks and then 30 minutes of sweat later the world is suddenly wonderful and you, fantastic. And then I sit at my desk for 8 hours and feel like I want to work out again. weird. but awesome.

Last night I went out for dinner with a friend - we ended up at an indian place for dinner which was FANTASTIC, and oh so good and oh so horrible regarding the points. I tried to be good, but the naan was calling its seductive flat-bread siren song and I gave into temptation. AND I didn't work out this morning, because all my gym stuff was still at work and it's our anniversary and so we're heading out early this afternoon to have a date and I won't be making it to the gym this evening either. But you know what, one day isn't going to kill me as long as I get back at it tomorrow. And it is our anniversary. Special occasion!

And no matter what the scales may say on thursday, my clothes are fitting so much better and a pair of pants that were ever so slightly tight that I bought a few weeks ago are now uber comfy if not a little loose so there are subtle changes, even if they're not registering on the scale, or that apparent to the eye, they are there. And I need to keep remembering that. This is worth it. It is SOOOO worth it.

yesterday was a run day: another seven sets of 2:1s. Finished with "relative ease" and by that I mean I wasn't dying at the end of it, but I was still really happy it was over. The last few sets took a lot in the way of convincing myself to keep going for that second minute. And since I do feel that I'm still really pushing myself with the 2:1s, I'm not going to try and increase back to 3:1s for at least another week. If I'm stuck at 2:1s until I lose some more weight, so be it. But at least I'm running a few times a week to keep that up.

On the elliptical however, I'm feeling less like I'm pushing myself. I was working at a good pace this morning, but I still didn't get my heartrate super high. I was always within the 'weight loss' range so it's not like my heartrate was super low or anything, just not at the cardio levels that it is when I'm running. And it was almost easy to do the circuit I chose today. I still was dripping sweat by the end, so I know I worked, but it didn't feel like a lot of work. And my heartrate shows it wasn't as much work as it's been in the past. And that's okay - shows I'm improving, but I'm going to have to figure out other ways to push myself on the elliptical - try some other of the programs perhaps. It is definately easier on the kness than the running, so it is the machine of choice until I get about 30 more lbs off.

I also am so glad I started pilates/yoga again this week. They use such different muscles and so are a different challenge than the cardio workouts I do. And they are calming, which is also a plus. (or at least they will be even more so once I build some flexibility). So now what I'm still lacking is my strength training. It's been a month since i've been to curves. And I know I need to develop my upper body strength and build muscle. It's all about figuring out how to get my butt there, at a mininum for 2x a week. I have to go until january anyway. Then I can just chose not to renew my year, so I might as well use it, and then if it also becomes routine, I'll keep it. I need to do strength training, I hate the weight machines at the gym, I hate the freeweights at home, so this really is the only option I can remotely stand. yes, I still don't love it, which is why I avoid it, but I NEED TO DO IT. So go do it already!

As for weight watchers - weigh in last night was the same as the week before. HOORAY! I ate vast amounts of chocolate, fried foods and desserts with wheat over the thanksgiving holiday and didn't track one thing all week, so the fact that I didn't gain is soooo amazing. I'm sure it's the exercise. At the meeting yesterday the leader talked about keeping our eyes on the goal even through the fog of plateaus, stress, temptations,etc. She had us write a list of all the reasons WHY we want to lose weight. For me I changed it to all the reasons I want to be healthy - since the weight loss is really a side effect of this lifestyle change. And since it's always good to keep reminding me of these reasons, I am going to repeat them here:

Why I'm Doing This:

* To feel better
* To avoid diabetes, high blood pressure, and other health issues
* To help with depression
* To prove to myself that I am worth taking care of
* To be able to have children, and then set positive examples for them
* To be a better partner to mike
* To enjoy life
* For self esteem, self respect and self love.
* To be able to buy clothes from stores like Jacob, Tristan, Mexx, etc.
* To look good at Jon and Christina's wedding
* To smile at my reflection every day, not just on the days I'm feeling 'thin'

I needed a reminder of all my reasons for doing this, since this has been the type of week that has made me question my committment. It's good to see all the reasons I'm doing this written out, so I can refer to them over and over and over again.

made it to the gym today for a great elliptical workout. yay me. and eating was pretty good too. and i did yoga tonight when i got home from work, but all the same i'm still a grumpy guss and tired and blah. waaaaahhhhhhh.

and so i'm gonna go to bed.

but yay me for getting to the gym and working out and taking care of myself, even when I feel like I don't deserve that. I just hope that someday, really soon, I'll feel like I deserve this time I'm taking to take care of myself...

Thanksgiving has come and gone and while I don't think I made as much of a pig of myself as I have in the past, there were many times when the choices i made were not of the good variety. But the turkey was yummy and the wine was flowing and I don't think I did a lot of damage. The scales will have their say on thursday.

This morning was a run day - I'm moving to a Tues/Thurs run, Mon/Wed/Fri elliptical schedule, at least until I lose more weight. The running is hurting my knees ever so slightly, and the not progressing on how long I can run at a time was bumming me out, so I figure I'll shake it up a little. I did 7x2:1 today for a total of 21 min walk/run and then a 5 min walking cooldown. I've not been able to do the 3:1 since that one magical time, so in order to keep running in my life, but keep me from getting all down on myself and discouraged and give-y up-y as I usually get, I'm going to run 2:1s until it they longer pose a challenge for me. I'm in no hurry to run long times/distances. Just as long as there is progression. And the elliptical is easier on my knees, and I like it more. It's just not as hard. So I'll push myself harder on the days that start with T and not as hard but for longer time on the other weekdays. Weekends I will do some activity like walking/cleaning (or in the case of this weekend, lugging trees around at the cottage: I feel like superwoman as I helped to fell some trees and lugged countless logs and branches for hours. And, I didn't get totally exhausted. Whoot.) I'll go to the gym if I feel like it, but there is no scheduled, structured, "i have to do this today" kind of activity. At least not yet.

I'm also aiming for M-W-F to be Curves days. We'll see how that goes. I need to bring more strength training into my life. I also want to do more pilates/yoga. I just don't know when all this is gonna happen.

I went to a different gym this morning - the Orleans Rec centre instead of Plant. I was there for 6 a.m. when it opened and was home again by 6:50. There are pros and cons to making this a regular thing.

Pros:
* No lugging of gym bag to and from work on the bus (unless it is a curves day - because then I need it to hit curves on the way home).
* I can shower and eat at home before leaving for work.
* There would be more opportunity to use Mike's car, therefore improving my stick shift driving skillz. (has absolutely nothing to do with my fitness goals, but much to do with overall quality of life *grin*)
* Did I mention the no lugging of gym bag to and from work and the showering at home? This is a big, big pro.

Cons:
* I have to get up at 5:30 (although, if I'm bussing to Plant, I need to get up about that time too. Usually Mike can drive me to Plant, but not always...)
* There are only 2 treadmills at the Orleans gym. So if I'm not there right at 6, I might not get one.
* There are only two ellipticals at the Orleans gym. And they're not the Precor ones that I like.
* There are no individual TVs like there are at Plant. Which means, I can't watch my Canada AM in closed captioning. Also, Canada AM isn't on at 6 a.m.
* Because there are fewer machines and the gym is much smaller in size, I feel much more on display that I do at Plant, even if there were only three other people working out. This feeds my insecurity and paranoia about others watching me red-faced and sweating.

I may try this a few more times to see if it is a trend I'd like to continue, at least on treadmill days. Part of me is screaming "don't mess with routine, that way madness lies" and another part of me is all for the less gym bag lugging. We shall see. I've been saying that a lot...

i've been remiss in updating this...not that this is for anyone but me, but it's important to keep a record, so i can look back and see my progress. i decided to do this online mainly because for whatever reason, i have far more success keeping an online journal than i do a private one. perhaps the latant exhibitionist in me? who knows...

i did the run/walk thing last friday: ran 3 sets of 3:1, and then for the fourth set I ran 2:1 and then walked for the rest. My motivation for the running is waning, since I can't seem to get beyond those 3 minutes at a time... Saturday was spent sanding windows and porch railings and painting. Mike did the second story windows and i did the main floor - no ladders required there :). I also ran much paint up and down the stairs so the man could prime and paint the windows on the second story. For the first time I'm really glad we have a small townhouse. It took 6 hours just to do our 6 windows - I can't imagine how long it would have taken if we had outside walls and windows on all four sides of our home!

Sunday was the CIBC walk for the cure - I did the 5K without difficulty, and actually walked it quite quickly. I feel good about it. Definately something I'm going to plan to do on a regular basis. Perhaps I'll even run it one of these years...

Monday I did another walk/run combo, but it was just 5x2:1 and then walking for the rest. I was low energy and again the motivation to really push me to even finish a complete set of 2:1s wasn't there. I did have a good conversation with a guy I've seen at the gym a few times. He told me that when he first started he had trouble with the running and so decided to keep at the elliptical until he'd lost about 40lbs. Then he tried the running again and he found it much better. He was very encouraging, and it got me thinking that perhaps I might want to ease off the running and focus more on the elliptical until I lose some more weight. There are many good arguements for this: 1. I like the elliptical more, 2. it's easier on my knees and 3. I like the various programs on the elliptical, so that will give me some crosstraining options that aren't available on the treadmill. So instead of trying to run 3x a week and do the elliptical the other day or two that I make it to the gym, I'll do the elliptical 3x a week and then the treadmill the other 2 times a week, with a run/walk of 2:1 or 3:1 or whatever I feel like I can accomplish. And once I lose some more weight, then try the running again. Since the elliptical is easier on my knees, I can keep a faster sustained pace on it for a longer time than i can the treadmill, so it may be more condusive to the weight loss... I don't know. My friend who is training for a half marathon soon was reminding me too that I need to work on my strength. Which means i REALLY do have to get back to curves. It's so easy, especially lately with being so tired and headachy, to skip curves and just go home after work. So next week, I committ to making it to curves. at least 2x (the bare minimum i need to start building more muscle...)

Tuesday I had a doc's appointment so there was no gym. All is well - the news was good, no further surgery necessary (hallelujah!). And she was positive about the changes she saw me making, etc.

Wedensday was 30 min on the elliptical doing one of the x-training courses.

Today, I woke up feeling like crap with a headache and a stiff neck. At some point during the night I must have slept on it funny, because I had dreams about advising people about natural products for muscle tension relief (I hate dreaming about working in retail. I thought I'd left that hell behind years ago...) and when I woke up my neck was stiff and there was a huge knot at the base of my neck/shoulder. Working out probably would have been good, but I think the extra sleep and getting to work early was also a positive. Depending on how the neck feels I might try some pilates or yoga when I get home, as I do want to start doing that more too...

Tonight is ww. I've not been exceptionally good this week, but I did manage to write down everything since monday. I think in my mind, i'm not really starting ww until after thanksgiving which has hindered my motivation. but my scale at home is showing a loss, so we'll see what thier scales have to say tonight. at least i'm writing down what i'm eating so i'm acutally aware of what's going in my mouth. Which, really, isn't all that much different from before, which is also what i expected. (although there has been less chocolate. yay me.) I've been losing weight, it's just slow, but steady, and that's what I want. My clothes are loser and in some cases, completely unwearable, and I'm feeling good about myself, which is by far the best thing of all of this. So no matter what the scales say, I need to remember that I feel better. That is the key...

I made it to the gym this morning and did my elliptical workout. I really enjoy the elliptical, far more than the running, but I think the running will serve me well in the future, so I'm sticking with it. I just like going to the gym a lot more on the mornings when I'm doing the elliptical. It was a good workout - I'm totally getting addicted. I hate how I feel in the mornings when I don't work out, which is a fantastic thing really. Means I'm more likely to keep this exercise thing going for the long run.

Joined WW with my mom today too. I'm not sure about this one - I've been doing well on my own - slow, slow, slow weightloss, but it's been consistent. But Mike wants to do something about his weight, and he was so successful doing this before. And I could stand to be more conscious about what I'm putting into my body. The issue I'm having is with the weekly weigh=ins. I know if I get too hung up on those numbers, I'm done. So the key is being careful about the 'weight' I give those numbers, so to speak. Slow and steady is good. Obsessing about every single point value or plateau, bad. I've signed up for 15 weeks, which will take me through the worst of my weight gain times - Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then see how I'm doing...

On a very positive (yet somewhat embarrassing) note: Mhy pants that have been getting too big over the last few months are officially WAY TOO BIG - I wore them today and they kept falling off. Like really off - down to my knees at one point. Luckily I had a long coat on. But this is officially the last time I'll be wearing those pants!

stepped on the scales today and was down another one or two pounds. making total weight loss since may 30lbs. (total from my highest weight ever recorded? 42. whoot). I had been avoiding the scales due to vast chocolate consumption over the past week but faced them this morning in the hopes that a gain would have been the imputous I needed to give up the chocolate. But no, there was a loss. And because I am vastly complicated and ridiculous there was more chocolate today. and there might have been cheesecake, but if asked outright I will deny, deny, deny. (it was gluten free organic cheesecake, but it was cheesecake none the less, if I had eaten it, which of course I will never admit *grin*).

I did the gym this morning - 3 sets of 3:1 and then during the fourth set I felt funny, like a fluttering in my chest, and so I took my heartrate and it was HIGH. So I stopped running and I walked at a pace of 3.5MPH for the remaining running times and then did my cooldown. I felt fine after, and while walking, and my heartrate returned to normal quickly, but it was still a bit alarming. I will try running again on Friday - tomorrow is an elliptical day.

Skipped the workout on Tuesday - I needed to get some bloodwork done and so went to the lab early to find out that they didn't open until 8 (not 7:30 like I thought) so didn't get to curves in the evening either, since I needed to get to the lab before they closed (6). And I skipped curves this evening too. And tomorrow is the first ww day...maybe i should go to curves tomorrow morning instead of the gym...hmmm...but i love the elliptical more...I know I do need to really start working on strength training - strong women, strong bones, etc. I just really hate it. It's boring, it's bland. Curves at least is a bit better than strength machines at the gym - it's only 30 seconds and the women are usually nice. at the very least, i don't have to think, I just do. But it's harder to get motivated to go there, when I so much prefer the other gym...meh. I know I need to do it, and I'll get there. I'm still working on the gym 5 days a week - baby steps. But I can't let me get away with skipping curves too often...Perhaps a more set schedule and more strict adherence to said schedule is in order...?

sooo, there has been no exercise since wednesday really - no, get to the gym and sweat your butt off exercise anyway. until this morning that is. managed to do 5 sets of 3:1 on the treadmill today. So I'm mighty proud of myself. I probably could have kept going too - although that last 3:1 was a bit harder than the others. I even ran a bit faster than usual, and my walking pace was an even 3 miles/hour rather than the 2.7 or 2.8 I usually do. it's great to see even little improvements from week to week. I might have a low energy day or two here or there, but the overall trend is improvement. yay. i am so freakin' proud of myself. and these little improvements are so motivating.

it was a good weekend too. i didn't go to the gym - after the week i had last week, the naturopath told me to take it easy over the weekend and let my body recover from the radioactive dye and the ct scan, and the emotional stress it all caused. but instead of just spending the weekend in my pjs as i so often would have done, I got up and dressed each day, heading out for a matinee movie on saturday and a walk/coffee on sunday. I walked 3 km in gale-force winds for that coffee, so strong is the allure of the soy latte. But again, i'm proud of myself for getting off the couch and walking and enjoying life. It's so easy, especially at this time of year, to just sit in the basement watching tv and letting the depression take hold. but this year i'm actively fighting it. and it's so much better. and again, motivating to keep this going in my life. I know in a way it's a choice - you chose to be happy, you chose not to be happy - and this is me making better choices in my life, but it's also not. when you're in the grip of the dragon it's so hard to make those choices, to get the motiviation and the momentum to make the right choices in your life.

of course, there could still be better choices to be made: like this morning...why i think i can only have one hersey's kiss and not keep going back for more, even though i never can, i'll never know. everytime i'm faced with the choice of eat chocolate or don't eat chocolate a little voice inside of me says "oh, just have one, you'll be fine" and so i do, even though, i know this is the first of many i will have throughout the day...there is no such thing as just one when it comes to chocolate and me. when i will learn that and thus learn to say no is another thing entirely...

yesterday i woke up completely exhausted. so very tired. mike had gone to work late to solve a crisis and i decided to 'wait up' for him - so silly of me. he didn't get home until about 1 a.m. I didn't manage to fall asleep until closer to 2. and we got up at 6. But i did drag my so exhausted i felt like i was drunk ass into the gym. i did 33 minutes on the elliptical, never going too quick - heartrate never got higher than 133 or so, but at least i did 30 minutes of consistant workout. of course i ate french fried AND chocolate yesterday too, completely undoing any good the workout did. haven't quite mastered the art of avoiding stress eating. it was not a good day emotionally and so it stand to reason that it was not a good day as far as what i chose to eat either.

today there will be no morning workout anyway - i am on my way to the hospital for a CT scan to check to make sure the collection of blood in the gallbladder cavity isn't from internal bleeding but just a hematoma that isn't going away. it never ends. first the surgery, then the infection, and now this... bah. Hopefully it turns out to be nothing too serious and is easily taken care of. it will be hard to convince me that another surgery is necessary when surgery itself caused this mess. arg...

depending on how the day turns out, there may be exercise in the evening. this should be a run day. we'll see...

well, i'm slowly improving...i will make it to five sets of 3:1 at somepoint. today i managed to do four sets of 3:1 and then did one final set of 2:2 before doing my cool down. i just couldn't manage to make myself do that last minute of running. it will come.

Have had a great no-refined-sugar day today. However, I've also been hungry all day today. And slightly cranky. Still considering joining Weight Watchers again. I think mom and i would go together - encourage each other. Just hate the idea of spending that money...encouraging the billion dollar diet industry to just keep taking more money, but at the same time, i know i do best on ww when i'm actually going to ww. as opposed to trying to do it on my own...cuz i'm so not really counting points or writing down what i'm eating right now, and i know i do much better when i do...

i should go to curves, but i'm so tired and hungry i just want to go home. so i probably will. so much for strength training. maybe i'll do some yoga when i get home...

woke up feeling sick and so skipped the workout. took a long time getting going today in general...

lost 2 or 3 lbs this week (my scales give a best estimate of weight only...). and last night while out dancing my jeans almost fell off! so wahoo for getting smaller.

hoping to make it to the gym tonight as I'm starting to feel better but if not, it will be a very early night with a gym trip tomorrow morning...

I think I need to accept the fact that I need to buy some new pants. That no one needs to see me hiking my pants back up after I've walked only a few steps. For heaven's sake, they fell down a few months ago, and I've lost more weight and inches since then...

And yet I'm still wearing them. Why? Because they're comfortable, they look good (when they're not falling down that is) and. most importantly, because I don't need to get them hemmed. So very often the pants that fit my waist are way, way, way too long in the legs. And so, instead of getting them hemmed or *gasp* hemming them myself, I leave them on the rack and continue my search for the right pair - the pair that will magically fit both my long torso and my short legs.

However, there are no belt loops on these pants and if I lose many more inches or pounds, even periodic hiking up of the pants won't do.

On a different note - I managed to make it to the gym this morning before a 9 a.m. meeting. Yay me! My energy wasn't fantastic though - I only managed to run 2 sets of 3x1, one set of 2x2 and one set of 1x2. Then I walked (quickly, but still not running) for the remainder...I felt good when I was done, but I do wish that I could have completed the workout running even the 2x1 or 2x2 intervals. Alas, it was not to be...At least I'm listening to my body and recognizing that I'm tired and not to push too hard, but I want to make sure I'm not giving into the tiredness too soon either.

Curves tonight, and then early to bed. I need to catch up on my sleep.

20 minutes on the elliptical this morning. Not fantastic, but I woke up late and didn't make it to the gym until 1/4 to 8. When you have to be out to catch the bus by 8:40, that leaves little time for a long workout. And I forgot to bring water. Not cool.

But in all, it was a decent enough workout, and I did it as opposed to Friday when we woke up late and I skipped working out entirely. So yay, me!

Did my curves workout tonight - a little rushed though. I need to learn to leave work on time. I don't know what it is about me that makes it so hard to get going, leaving, anything. I seem to be highly reluctant to change of any sort - waking up, going to bed, getting to work, leaving work, it doesn't matter, I postpone it as long as humanly possible. Once I'm actually left or there or sleeping or awake, I'm fine, it's just the process of transitioning that I hate. But I'll need to get over it if I'm going to stick to this routine.

Got measured today and weighed. You're supposed to do it every month there, so you can track your progress. I had never bothered (since, when you're close to 300lbs, the last thing you want is to share that information with others) but now that I've lost weight and am at a more 'normal' weight (for me, anyway) I figured I could let someone in on my dirty little secret (what I actually weigh) and since I'm getting smaller anyway, it was time to start measuring it to find out just how much smaller I'm getting. Which is a surefire way to garuantee that I will probably not lose a single pound or inch this month, but whatever. Hopefully concrete results will be motivating and if they prove to be anything but then I'll go back to my routine of blissful ignorance of all things measuring-tape related (I'd like to say I'd also be blissfully ignorant of all things scale related but I know myself too well for that...)

Tomorrow is a cardio/elliptical day and also I see the naturopath to ask questions about nutrition pre and post workout. Right now, by the time I get up, get to the gym, workout, shower, change and get to work, it's a good three hours from when I wake until I'm eating and I think that's too long...

progress is being made, which always makes me happy. I managed to run 3 sets of 3:1 before my body said slow down, so i finished off the remaining two sets with a 2 minutes of running to 2 minutes of walking ratio. Not too shabby. At least I'm proud of myself. I will make it to 10:1 eventually - when I can increase my time spent running, I start to really believe it....

The schedule has stepped up again: cardio in the morning Mon-Fri, with M,W,F being running days and T/Th being the elliptial days. Curves will be three evenings a week (either M,W,F or T,Th,Sa). Weekends will be open for walking, or other unscheduled activities, like yesterday's trip to LaRonde. Walking for hours on end and standing in park lines might not be heavy cardio, but it's still activity, and it's fun!

Eventually I want to add yoga/pilates to the list, but that will come. baby steps...

the alarm went off at 6 a.m. like always, but unlike usual, mike leaned over and instead of hitting snooze, he ended up hitting off and the next thing we knew it was after 7 and we were running late. so i didn't make it to curves today. i could have gone after work, but by the time i was home it was after 6 and there was a major thunderstorm. i was soaked within 10 seconds of getting off the bus. the thunder was so loud it set off a car alarm on my street. and i'm lazy, or so it seems. i could have had the car even, but instead i'm sitting on my bum, watching tv and playing with my computer. i do so love that i can blog from the basement. or the living room.

but, to make up for the day off, tomorrow has to be a curves and a run day. or at the very least, a run day with some weight work at the gym. i'm losing my focus - forgetting why i'm doing this. instead i'm eating candy and cookies and crap. luckily my weight has stayed the same, but that won't be the case if i don't get back on track and right away. we're thinking of starting weight watchers again, because mike is also frustrated with the weight he's put on lately. it worked well for him before, but i'm still hesitant. i know diets don't work long term, but we need to do something. i'm thinking of focusing on the no-counting 'core' plan - whole foods, wholesome, the way i was eating before. the way i need to keep eating. with a few 'points' for treats. because it won't stick if there are no treats...

this is always the way it goes with me...i get to a certain point and i stall. lose focus. forget. i don't want to forget. repeat old patterns. i want this to stick, i want to make lasting, permanent changes. i just need to remember that.

had very few hours of sleep last night and woke feeling less than refreshed. decided not to attempt to run on the treadmill as my energy was so low and i know that if i tried and failed at the running, especially in my over-tired state, i would be bummed. really, really bummed. so i did the eliptical machine instead - 33 minutes of high energy music and after the first few minutes, high energy suze. it felt great - i worked hard, but it wasn't as hard on me or my knees as the treadmill is. but despite the good workout, my first instinct, which was to crawl back into bed and call in sick, might have been a good one. i took forever in the locker room having my shower and getting dressed (i don't understand what took so long), missed my bus, had to wait FOREVER for another bus, which is supposed to come every 10 minutes, but rarely does, and then was late for a meeting. Not a good impression that makes. AND i didn't get to eat until 11 a.m. by which point i was starving and made bad choices.

the only redeeming thing about today is that i'm going out for dinner with a friend to a yummy organic vegetarian restaurant where i will be able to get excellent, healthy food. perhaps make up for the crap i've fed my poor, tired body today.

and then, then i'm going home to sleep. perchance to dream...

did my curves circuit this morning. felt good, but now that i know how to do this properly, it was hard. those 30 seconds, when you're giving it all you've got and moving the machine as fast as you can, it seems like a loooong time. no wonder i wasn't feeling it before - i was doing it all wrong. hopefully now that i've figured it out, i'll start seeing better results...

did seven sets of run 2 walk 2 today. energy was good, and i probably could have done more. the last 20-15 seconds of each set was really difficult though, so i don't think I'm quite ready for 3/1 sets yet. i'll continue at the 2/1 sets for the rest of the week, and try 3/1 next week. that way I'll only be one week behind the group which isn't that bad.

at least it was better this week than last. i still can't get over how difficult i found running last week. i don't know if it was poor energy, that my body was too tired to run, or if there was a lack of determination or lack of proper nutrition or what, but last week was hellish as far as wrokouts went. i hope this week will be better.

So, i've started working out. like seriously working out, in that i'm learning to run as i thought i might run a 5K in a month. Things were going well. i was struggling, but i made it through the run 1 min, walk 2 min week without dying. the run 1 min, walk 1 min week was harder, but i did it. Run 2 min, walk 1 min just about kicked my ass, but i was triumphant last Saturday morning all alone in the Nepean Sportsplex cardio room as i made it through the final few seconds of my 7th set of 2 minute runs. this week was to be run 3 minutes, walk 1 minute. was supposed to be. I haven't even been able to run 7 sets of 2 minutes since that glorious workout five days ago. i'm exhausted. i have no energy. i run the first couple of sets of 2 minutes and then i need to walk. for the rest of the 30 minute workout. i try to run and maybe make a minute but then i have to stop. i don't get what's wrong... Well, no i get what's wrong. my body is trying very hard to tell me that "Hello, you're a fat lady. Running while lugging a good 80lbs of extra weight, maybe a little difficult bitch..." 'cuz while i've lost 25lbs in the last few months, there's still a looong way to go...so I'm trying to decide what to do - keep struggling with the running in the hopes that my body will decide to get over itself and catch up with the rest of my learn to run class, or go back to the walking/elliptical until I build up my stamina enough to be able to run for more than two minutes on a treadmill, and then, perhaps run out in public without wanting to cry. or just get over the voice in my head that says "this is hard, give up" that often comes out to play when i exercise. That would be the best option, but by far the hardest...

i don't want to go back to doing nothing. while finding time to get to the gym and workout has been hard, i'm enjoying the feeling. i'm seeing results. unfortunately, those results seem to be seen in shirts that used to hug my curves nicely now hanging far too loose around my rapidly shrinking boobage. why is it the fat leaves us first in the one place we'd like it to hang around? i mean, if i've gotta have the fat, couldn't it stay in my boobs, and perhaps, leave from my belly instead? and i don't want to give up on yet another something that i've started. but at the same time, i don't want to push my body too hard so i'm forced to quit. i'm torn. and tired. and whiney. but that's not new...