I'm still struggling this week. Not so much with the getting to the gym and the getting up to work out aspects, but with the whole wanting to go to work, wanting to eat healthfully, wanting to fully engage with life. I'm feeling fat, bloated, tired, cranky, whiny, pitiful, etc. I'm totally self-absorbed at the moment...typical for when the downswings in mood occur and the dragon rears it's head and it's a fight to keep going with the motions of the day...

And yet, it's not really that bad. Yeah, I have to fight the impulse to throw the covers over my head each morning and simply stay in bed, hidden from the world and my responsibilities, but I haven't done that. At least not yet. I am seriously considering a sick day or two soon, but for now, I make myself get up and go to the gym. And once I'm at the gym, there's not much sense turning around and going home.

And my workouts still feel fantastic, which is good. And it helps. And I've started using the sun lamp with regularity again, so hopefully that will help too...

And I had a faboo dinner with Nat tonight, which included a long chat and gluten-free organic cheesecake. yummy.

it was a good night...

last week was not a good week for either working out or eating. I skipped more workouts than I did and ate tonnes of sugar and wheat and other stuff I shouldn't be eating. I'm paying for it now with the bloat - I look about 10lbs heavier than I did last week. I'm trying to be back on track this week but I had trouble today because oh my god I could NOT get full. I was ravenous. I'm still hungry right now, as I type, but I'm trying to avoid eating. Because it's late and I'm going to bed as soon as I'm done typing this.

I know that this is not a linear process - that there will be days and weeks when it all seems futile, what's the point, I'll never be thin and pretty so why bother trying. And so weeks like last week are to be expected, and that I shouldn't take it as a sign that things really are as bleak as they seem and my efforts are futile. But when you're in the moment, it is so hard to hold on to that. So hard to realize that yes, this is a bad week, but next week will be better and don't give up.

But here I am, the start of a new week. And I won't give up. I can't. I've come too far to let myself fall back into old patterns. Old ways of being. I can't let myself get back to 302. Or 290, 280, 270, 260 - any of those weights I've said goodbye to. I love feeling fitter and healthier. Strong and happy. And for the most part I love to work out. Especially workouts like today, where everything is in sync - I'm working hard, breathing hard, the music's good, I'm keeping a good pace and I know that I'm working myself hard, but not too hard. Not so hard that it feels difficult, just a nice challenge.

I've also decided that instead of upping the cardio what I really need to add is strength training and yoga/pilates. I did a toning video tonight, tomorrow is yoga, and I'll alternate back and forth... I'll keep to doing cardio in the mornings, and then before dinner in the evenings I'll do the additional workouts. On nights when i'm not home, I'll not worry about the additional and if I can, I'll add something quick in the mornings. I need to have nice looking arms. If only for my vanity...

So, i'm feeling better than I was last week anyway. And I ahve a workout planned for the morning. Now I just need some sleep.

ugh. my shoulder hurts. It hurt a lot on Sunday so I skipped working out and then sunday night it hurt so much I couldn't sleep. So I didn't work out yesterday either. It's a bit better today, and I actually slept last night, so I decided to go to they gym this morning. And my elliptical workout? Was soooo hard! I have no idea if it's because of the detox, and so I'm not eating as much as usual, or what, but I had little energy, I couldn't move at nearly the same pace as I usually do, and by the end I was so happy it was done - as opposed to feeling like I could do more, like usual. Anyway, it's frustrating. I know there will be lower energy days and higher energy days, but I was really looking forward to the great feeling I get when I workout at the gym and while what i did experience was similar, it wasn't the same...

Had a good weigh in today (well, technically yesterday, but I have yet to go to bed, so I'm still counting the time as if it's saturday not sunday...whatever...) Was down 3lbs. 47 in total...I thought it might be more with the detox and all, but since I've not been following the detox exactly as I should, I suppose...I can't really complain.

Had a good day, lazy. didn't do much more than watch tv, read, knit and eat (healthy foods, bien sur...) No exercise today really, but I worked out every other day this week...Saturday's tend to be non-exercise days. Tomorrow I plan to start the strength training so I have a good hour of cardio/weights planned for the afternoon.

I did the 1 mile WATP video this morning and I felt a little stronger - probably because I'd eaten more last night that I probably have all week combined. I was out with friends. There were potato chips. There was pizza - although I refrained from eating the pizza and had rice pasta and tomato sauce instead - but still...the rice pasta and sauce could be argued to fit the detox but the chips? not so much. Granted they were made from organic potatos, cold pressed sunflower oil and sea salt, but still. They were tasty. It was a party. I avoided pizza. I avoided alcohol. And I'm totally on track today. So i'm not going to feel guilty. At least, I'll try not to...

Actually, I'm feeling no ill-effects from the chips. I'm not having cravings, I'm not wanting chips or junk today. I'm feeling in control. And I want to be able to have a normal life where on some evenings, there will be chips to eat and I'll eat them. But most of the time there aren't reasons to eat them and so I won't. So I think this is good. Not from the detox point of view, where I'm sure even though there were no additives in the chips, it still wasn't the best choice of food for cleaning out the body. But from the point of view that the next day I'm eating well and not letting the one event spiral into multiple. That shows progress.

not a pretty girl...

"Is she pretty?" asked my friend, about my brother's fiancée.

"Oh yes. She's very pretty," I responded.

"See, girls like us, we need to have personality or something or we have nothing going for us," she said. "We're not pretty girls..."

...

I watched America Ferrera's acceptance speech for best actress in a television comedy from the Golden Globes for her role in Ugly Betty today...I liked what she said about how the show is turning the word Ugly on its head. Of course, she is anything but ugly, but as a woman with curves in an industry where stick figures are celebrated, she can be a role model to those who are not a size 2...

...

I have major body issues - always have. probably always will. I'm trying to learn to love my body, to see my own inner and outer beauty, but it's not easy. And while I would love to be so secure in my own self-worth to have absolutely no anxiety or qualms about standing up next to my brother's fiancée and her other two, stunning, tiny, attendants, I do have qualms. I started this weight-loss, exercise, self-improvement kick last year - prior to their engagement and prior to their request to be a part of the wedding party - as self improvement for my own sake. However, I will admit that lately the dress has been the primary motivator getting me out of bed to go workout most mornings...

(crossposted on work in progress...)

I have decided that I am not a fan of protein powders of any variety. They're chalky, and are of an unpleasant texture. I will be happy when the detox is done, from that point of view. However, they are really easy. I will miss, in a way, being able to shake up and then drink my meals. However, not enough to get past the texture and taste...

The detox is going well, however I was out last night for dinner and the only veggies I found came unfortunately covered and smothered in a very sweet (and not terribly tasty) Hunan sauce. I tried to avoid as much of the sauce as possible, but there was some refined sugar ingested. And I have the slight withdrawl headache today to prove it. Nothing too severe, but it's there, as is the mild craving...

However, I'm craving chicken more than the sugar. A nice chicken and rice casserole with string beans in fact. I'm taking the fact that I want chicken more than I want chocolate at this moment to be a good sign. I get to add lean protein in meaty form tomorrow - although, I might add it tonight instead. I am using this more as a method to rid me of the refined sugar cravings more than anything else, so I'm playing a little loose with the rules. I'm avoiding my reactive foods, drinking the shakes, and keeping it to plant based foods during the day (apples, apples and more apples. I'm not doing as well with the leafy greens...) Then lunch with legumes comes next (on the weekend) with oatmeal returning to it's starring role in my morning breakfasts on monday. Wahoo!

Only six more days of shakes.

I'm also looking forward to having more energy - I'm only doing very mild workouts in the morning. Yesterday I tried the cardio program on the WW DVD I picked up a few weeks ago - pretty straight forward. Not at all taxing. But considering I'm getting few complex carbs and little protein, my energy is low, so it was enough. And then this morning I did the pilates/yoga program on the same DVD and it was a joke really. Anything that would normally be done on the floor was done standing or sitting in a chair. Not that I could do the program flawlessly, far from it as I do really need to work on my balance and flexibility, but I've done far tougher pilates/yoga than that. I think the WW DVD is very much designed for those who are just starting out in the exercise world. I'm thinking it might not be for me...

Day two of the detox and I must say it's a thousand times better than yesterday. Yesterday was hell. I was hungry, I was cranky, I had a horrible headache and at about 7:30 last night, my bowels decided to revolt. Actually, it was expected, and lots of junk has left my system, but still, gross. And did I mention the cranky? I was in bed by 9:15 and asleep by 10. But the headache went away this morning during my (mild) workout (1 mile WATP) and by this afternoon I was feeling back to being in control of my cravings and my eating. Which is where we want me to be. I took a walk at lunch because i couldn't take sitting in the office for one more minute and it was gorgeous and sunny out and I also needed eyedrops as I'm wearing my contacts for the first time and my eyes were feeling a wee bit dry. I managed to only look longingly at the chocolate aisle as I paid for my eyedrops and my carbonated natural spring water (my pop substitute...)

I'm no longer hungry and cranky (wahoo!) although I think the lack of appetite might have more to do with the fact that I hate the UltraClear shakes that I'm supposed to be drinking 2x a day for the next 8 days (10 days in all). It's easy to avoid eating when you don't enjoy what's on the menu...

As for exercise - I did my elliptical workout yesterday and I'm beginning to realize that I may have to start pushing myself to go for longer or harder as it's not nearly as hard as it used to be. I'm doing more reps per minute on average, my heartrate is still good, I'm going a bit further, and my calories burned are higher, so I'm still working out hard, and I'm seeing improvement. And it feels AWESOME when it's done. But I'm not feeling as challenged as I once did. Although, this morning I did the one mile WATP and found it more challenging than I have in a long time (perhaps due to being tired and not eating as much as usual - the detox program did warn that during the detox you might want to cut back on the strenuous exercise as you might not feel like you have the same energy as usual...)

I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning, and lounged around in bed until almost 7 a.m., so I only really had time for the 1 mile WATP (as it was I was still late for work - but part of that was fighting for 10 minutes to get my left contact in...Soft contacts are so not as easy as the rigid gas permiable to handle...) I can't believe how hard I found the upper body part of the workout. Usually it's no problem...I really do need to increase my strength training...

I really need to step up the training a bit in general. And this will be my motivation:


I have to wear that dress (not the white dress, although it is gorgeous, there are no wedding bells ringing for me yet...) next to those women on August 4. I need to be as small as I possibly can by that point... (yes, vanity. but sometimes, an excellent motivator...)

Desipte the snow and the strong desire to not lug my gym bag around with me today, I made it to the gym this morning. And I was glad I did. After about 5 minutes, when my joints got warm and the blood got pumping, I felt fantastic and managed to keep my feet moving at 150 rpms or more for the whole workout. I do love the elliptical. But I'm starting to realize that I really do need to pick it up an notch. Things are starting to feel too easy. I either have to go for longer, or increase my speed, or try something new. I'm thinking about swimming once or twice a week instead of watp or the elliptical. Perhaps...

Or I should concentrate on adding a couple evening workouts - weights and stretching. And ABS!!! I need to get back to sit ups every night, or my poor belly will be flabby forever, no matter how much weight I lose. I need to really sit down and plan a course of attack. The morning workouts are routine now, which is what I wanted. Now it's moving on to making weekend workouts and possibly evening ones routine as well...

As for the eating - the detox diet starts on saturday. A quick two-week one this time to flush (hopefully) the sugar dependancy out of my system. Christmas was wonderful, but the desire to eat chocolate and refined sugar is strong after eating it every day for more than a month. Getting back to whole foods, fruits, veggies and whole grains, etc. will be a very good thing.

I did the WATP Walk-Jog workout again this morning. It was harder today than it was yesterday - I was feeling very, very low energy. I still made it through, but it was not easy. Probably because yesterday I barely drank any water -- it wasn't a good day eating wise yesterday either. And i felt it this morning when I got up. Today was good as far as eating went. But I still need to work on getting more water in.

Not that anybody reads this anyway, but just because I haven't been writing here lately, doesn't mean the workouts have ended. Far from it...I'm up to, on average, working out 6 days a week. I alternate mostly between workouts on the elliptical trainer at the gym and videos at home. I've upped the intensity of my workouts and I'm noticing big differences. I feel so healthy and strong compared to where I was this time last year.

But I've missed having a record of my workouts and I don't want my other blog to become focussed completely on my health, my workouts, etc. I started this with the intention of keeping a record of my road to health, and that's what I want to make this again.

So, yesterday, after a week off because of a nasty cold that made it impossible to walk up a flight of stairs without gasping and coughing, I made it to the gym for the first time in 2007, and it felt amazing. I did the weightloss course on the elliptical for a 33 minute workout. This morning, I used my new Walk Away The Pounds Walk & Jog video, which was not as hard as I thought it would be, but was still an excellent workout. And then at lunch I took a half-hour walk. It feels so good to be active. I was lamenting to a friend last week when I was sick that all I really wanted to do was go to the gym. She laughed and asked if I ever would have thought that would be my biggest frustration when sick. And no, I never thought it would. But it was. And it just reaffirmed what I've come to realize. I've changed my lifestyle and in doing so, changed my life. I am an exerciser. Who would have thought?!