last week was not a good week for either working out or eating. I skipped more workouts than I did and ate tonnes of sugar and wheat and other stuff I shouldn't be eating. I'm paying for it now with the bloat - I look about 10lbs heavier than I did last week. I'm trying to be back on track this week but I had trouble today because oh my god I could NOT get full. I was ravenous. I'm still hungry right now, as I type, but I'm trying to avoid eating. Because it's late and I'm going to bed as soon as I'm done typing this.

I know that this is not a linear process - that there will be days and weeks when it all seems futile, what's the point, I'll never be thin and pretty so why bother trying. And so weeks like last week are to be expected, and that I shouldn't take it as a sign that things really are as bleak as they seem and my efforts are futile. But when you're in the moment, it is so hard to hold on to that. So hard to realize that yes, this is a bad week, but next week will be better and don't give up.

But here I am, the start of a new week. And I won't give up. I can't. I've come too far to let myself fall back into old patterns. Old ways of being. I can't let myself get back to 302. Or 290, 280, 270, 260 - any of those weights I've said goodbye to. I love feeling fitter and healthier. Strong and happy. And for the most part I love to work out. Especially workouts like today, where everything is in sync - I'm working hard, breathing hard, the music's good, I'm keeping a good pace and I know that I'm working myself hard, but not too hard. Not so hard that it feels difficult, just a nice challenge.

I've also decided that instead of upping the cardio what I really need to add is strength training and yoga/pilates. I did a toning video tonight, tomorrow is yoga, and I'll alternate back and forth... I'll keep to doing cardio in the mornings, and then before dinner in the evenings I'll do the additional workouts. On nights when i'm not home, I'll not worry about the additional and if I can, I'll add something quick in the mornings. I need to have nice looking arms. If only for my vanity...

So, i'm feeling better than I was last week anyway. And I ahve a workout planned for the morning. Now I just need some sleep.